If you don’t know Jacob, words really aren’t enough. If you do, words aren’t necessary. And yet, here I am trying to paint a picture with enough words to make our story real and give a clearer understanding, if that’s possible.
Reading this blog week after week, you are getting to know him and that is huge for me. Thank you for being interested in our life. Curious about autism. How he ticks. How we parent. (Disclaimer, we don’t know what we are doing.) What makes us laugh. What makes us cry, or at least feel like it. What we’ve survived!
The other night at bedtime our routine was different. Usually Mike is the last one in his room. Jacob listens to ‘Wheels on the Bus’ on the kindle, then night time prayers, he’s covered up, and lights go out. I was the last one in his room that night. I covered him (in his bearded man sheets that I say are pictures of his brother), knelt on the floor by his bed, and started singing to him. I actually sang a lullaby. “Lullaby and good night, go to sleee-eeep, my Jacob.” Over and over and over again. Part long-time lyrics and part made up as I went.
He was calm and his eyes twinkled and he didn’t want me to stop. It was a sweet, tender moment that was a God wink for me. I wish you could have been a fly on the wall to witness the stillness. The contentment. The bond.
How sweet it is to be loved by him.
How sweet it is, the love is not a whim.
You better believe, I close my eyes at night,
Thanking God for this precious gift in my life.
Everything I do, seems to be with him in mind.
Everywhere I go, to return from leaving him behind.
He makes me crazy, furious, and happy all in a day.
I can’t even begin to name all the countless ways.
For every emotion he brings me to, now and then.
Jesus, I just want to stop and say Thank You, again.
I don’t believe Jacob has a malice bone in his body. He is in no way perfect. I just don’t think he has the desire to do evil. Even though he has a sin nature, like I do, his thought process probably doesn’t work like mine, to get what he wants. Does he lash out? Yes. Lose control? Indeed. Show love? In his own way, absolutely!
The tune made popular by James Taylor in the 70’s started playing in my head that night. ‘How sweet it is to be loved by you.’ I started thinking about my privilege to be Jacob’s mom. To love him like I do because I can sing, “how sweet it is to be loved by You”. Knowing every good and perfect gift comes from God above.
And, I can look in his eyes and sing a lullaby to my 41 year old son. “Close your eyes, sound asleep, sweee-eeet dreams my boy.”
How sweet it is.